This is My Life.

I am.

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:59:52 GMT

This is a poem I wrote a while back, I forgot about it until I saw it posted on a wall at FRIENDS Way where I wrote it.

I am who I am.
I wish I knew who that was.
I want to be myself.
I love.
I struggle with my past.
I understand that I won't understand.
I hate the mystery.
I miss the innocence.
I am not them.
I try to be.
I dream of life.
I believe I can do anything.
I am who I am.

Wisdom What?

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:56:04 GMT

So I got my wisdom teeth removed last Thursday, the 15th. It was getting better, but now I have the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. Im thinking I have dry socket, which happens with about 20% of wisdom teeth removals. This is my fifth day. I have eaten only apple sauce, jell-o, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and soy ice cream for five days. The whole right side of my head kills. I can't hear out of my ear. I am going back to the surgeon today. In about two hours. Too long. I hope they can do something to end this pain.

I was supposed to move back into my dorm yesterday, but it was snowing and I was starting to feel worse. I also missed the holiday bowling party at work last night, I stopped in, but stayed for less than a minute.

Hopefully I will move back into my dorm today. If I feel up to it. I have bunch of stuff I need to bring back. And Jill and I need to get rid of the extra furniture in the room.

Oh and people are douche bags for calling me a wimp when I am explaining how severe my pain is.
Especially when they have never experienced any pain remotely like the kind I am dealing with.
Uncalled for.

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 04:03:21 GMT

2009. Not a fan.

this sums it up for today.

"Suddenly the whole world seems to be against you -- but of course it isn't really. You're just feeling overwhelmed, and when you do that, you tend to get a bit over-dramatic. Try to chill a bit."

I'm miserable.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:06:20 GMT

CANCER daily horoscope
Tuesday, July 22

Whatever you're up to right now, you should find it to be 11 times more fun than you had thought it would be. That big party is extra crazy, that yard work is weirdly compelling and you can't stop grinning!

I'm getting an above ground pool this week and there are currently two guys in the back yard digging a trench for the electrical wires. strange. And today I was completely surprised when the doorbell rang and there was a man standing there with a huge vase of flowers. And now I can't stop grinning. creepy huh?

The Close of Another Chapter

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 19:29:25 GMT

My Horoscope Today:

"It's the best possible day to start something new -- especially if it feels as if you're at loose ends. The new beginning leads somewhere that's almost overwhelmingly positive for you!"

Today was my last day of High School. I never need to go back in that building again. (except for class day Tuesday) After four long years... it's about time. I've changed so much. Looking back it doesn't even feel like the same school. I'm the first to admit - I will miss it. I'll miss seeing my friends everyday. I know I'll keep in touch with those I see outside of school but I'll most likely never see half of these people again. It's still so weird. I can't imagine not going to Coventry High. On the other hand I happy to be where I am right now. All of the hard work has led me to where I am now. I never thought I'd be here. Graduating always seemed like something other people got to do, it always seemed so far ahead. A week from today I'll be walking the stage at the Ryan Center at URI - which is also where I will be going to school next year. It's a time for change, and new beginnings. I'm excited.

I stayed after to help Aseel with the Senior slide show. And we some how ended up with dippin dots? I also got my hair cut today. And Seana flew in at 4 - I picked her up from the airport.

good day.

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:39:10 GMT

cancer
(6/22 - 7/22)

daily horoscope
Friday, March 14

After the past few days, you're feeling kind of overwhelmed. You're dealing with too many people who have too many needs. You're only one person. How can you absorb everyone's stuff? Don't overdo it.

This is very true to me. I'm having a hard time dealing with some things. So I decided to call out of work tonight and just spend my time relaxing.

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 21:10:33 GMT

i stayed home today, because i've been to overwhelmed lately.
school. midterms. auditions. work. dad's birthday. new year. christmas. room. one of my best friends training for the army.

and this is my freakishly right horoscope...

cancer
(6/22 - 7/22)

daily horoscope
Monday, January 7

You are feeling pretty sedate right now, and would rather hang out at home or with one good friend than mix it up at a big party. It's a good time to take care of little things before they get big.

Amen.

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 04:03:52 GMT

cancer
(6/22 - 7/22)

daily horoscope
Thursday, January 3

There's a lot going on in that big, old heart of yours right now, but you can tell it's all for the best. It's a good time to commit yourself to experiencing this directly instead of trying to brush it off.

______________________________________________________________

I miss you.

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 02:42:38 GMT

So it has been over half a year since I've updated. I only am updating now because I am extremely bored out of my mind. Today is my day off work, I even requested it off. I was hoping to be doing something a little bit more exciting. My life has been... insane - to say the least. I don't know where to begin. I work at Panera Bread. I have been working there for four months now. I like it, and I like the people I work with. Some days...
There's a whole other aspect of my life that just became a hell of a lot more complicated. I thought someone was out of my life forever. But now - it looks like we could be friends for a long time.
Who knows.
Another thing... I'm stressing out about college and what I want to do with my life. I want to do what makes me happy. But I don't want to starve, and be unable to support myself.
I have faith in myself and my talents.

I can't wait to graduate.
I'll miss my friends a lot, but Senior year is completely pointless to me. I don't need most of my classes to graduate and the ones that I do need are too easy that I don't have any motivation to do the work.

I am enjoying myself. I was cast in the Fall play: I Hate Hamlet.
the cast was only six people. I played a psychic New York real estate agent.
it was a blast.

Maybe I'll update more...

Wed, 30 May 2007 02:55:53 GMT

five years ago.
five years ago this day... my life was fine.
I was just a sixth grade girl.
BUT. Five years ago today was when my life changed forever.
my best friend, my dad passed away.
It happened sometime during the day, but
the official date is marked as tomorrow's date.

It's been a hard struggle for me.
It's hard to find people to talk to.
sure I can talk and say stuff to anyone, but only a select few of them
take the time to listen.
Even with my closest friends I have difficulty talking about this with them.
I NEED to talk about it. I can't let myself forget about him.
I know it's impossible for anyone to understand unless they've been
through what I've been through. I get that. And I can't get upset for people
not knowing how to react.
But what happened is a part of who I am.
He is a part of me.
Always will be.

I'm glad I have the few people in my life who have taken the time to try and help me.
I thank them for that.
The worst part of life is dealing with the death of a loved one.
Although it's not the end of YOUR life.
There are people out there who you can talk to.

It's not over.
If anything live in honor of them.

Mon, 28 May 2007 00:05:52 GMT

what the eff you see kay
I have nobody. sure i have friends but do any of them get me?
I feel so alone lately.
I miss my dad. It will be five years since he passed on tuesday/wednesday.
i have sats on saturday. haven't started studying.
tomorrow i will start filming my drama movie.
lets hope things go well with that. i'm pretty worried.
i never see my best friends.
one lives in florida. and the other has a life.
and she doesnt give me rides anymore
since i have my own car.
I just want so much for this school year to be over.
I want my life to be back exactly the way it was a few months ago.
I had finally found a legitimate amount of happiness.
I don't know what I did to screw that up.
actually, I didn't do a thing wrong.
people just don't get me.
i'm all too often misunderstood.

Sat, 19 May 2007 20:59:49 GMT

Crazy past week. Last Saturday I went to Johnston and test drove a car that I fell in love with. We put down some money to hold it. A little later I went with Jenelle for her Capstone Project to the Tomaquag Museum, which is a memorial museum that maintains a collection of Native American artifacts from across the continent. We went for her Capstone which is to raise Native American awareness. It was pretty interesting. There were only seven of us there. We planted corn and it was just really cool to see how another culture lives. Later that day I hung out with Ben for a little bit. Then Sunday was mother's day and I ended up sleeping in really late. And then we went to Outback Steakhouse. Monday.... uhm... Oh! I went to the gym. Tuesday's when it gets interesting. first off the weather was supposed to be really warm and nice - so I wore a short sleeve shirt and a long skirt. IT WAS FREEZING ALL FRICKIN DAY. anyway, after school my mom picked me up, and as I was bringing her back to work Anthony (director of Sleather) calls me and asked if I could give him a ride to set in Providence. I had nothing to do anymore - so I took him there and stayed for a little bit - they were filming a horror movie. I left there around 3:30 and went to go pick my mom up from work. The traffic was terrible on the highway. After I got my mom from work, we went back to Johnston to pick up my car :) It was beautiful - I was so happy. I drove it home then left a few minutes later to go to Panera Bread then to Friends Way. I didn't get home til about 9. We also had a dumpster delivered to my house that day...The next morning I picked Jenelle up for school for once. She was dressed as an Indian... again, this was for her Capstone. It felt so good to be able to drive myself to and from school - that night I went to the gym. uhm Thursday wasn't too exciting I just went to bed at eight. Yesterday I worked on my film for drama with Brian and Dalex - they came here and we actually got some stuff done. We have to have the script completely done by tomorrow so we can have Anthony look at it for us. Last night I went to the movies with Brittany and we saw 28 Weeks Later. I never say 28 Days Later so I really didn't know what to expect. I wasn't expecting to like it very much - but actually it wasn't that bad - it had a really interesting story line to it and great camera moves. It was pretty disgusting and disturbing at some points though.
Haven't done anything too exciting today.
Tomorrow there's no Sleather shoot so... I'll be working on the script and some other stuff for school.
Tuesday I probably won't be going to school to work on the movie "27 Dresses" Staring Katherine Heigl from Grey's Anatomy. it's filming in Rhode Island. Apparently the scene takes place at a wedding in the 80s.

I really liked this picture of Jenelle, Zach and I from the museum:

And this is my car :)

Thu, 10 May 2007 21:14:16 GMT

Today was nice :)
I love how it's finally getting nice out. this morning in drama was 'richard simmons day' - you had to be there to understand. then i had algebra, didn't really do much there. then english we had a 'poetry cafe' where we read poetry ate stuff... played music. then PE we had to walk in the scorching heat. well the school year's almost over. thank god. this has been a terrible year. i guess it could have been a lot worse. but still - i'm STILL trying to catch up with everything i missed when i had mono. i could go into complete detail why this has been a bad year, but i won't. the one good thing i can say is that I DID complete my capstone with an A+. even while being out of school. there have been other good things that have happened to me but they get ripped away just as fast as they came.
sigh.
Life.

Tue, 08 May 2007 02:18:31 GMT

I wrote this poem for school last week. I was writing from the shoes of a guy with narcissism, someone who only cares about fufilling their own needs. We read a bunch of stuff about The Virginia Tech shootings, so I basically wrote this from the point of view of a guy who'd do something like that.

If only you could understand.
Understand what I feel, What I've been through.
Lonliness consumes my everyday.
Making it so I have nothing to say.
But it's the complete opposite.
Millions of thoughts
I only think of myself
What would it be like having her dead in my arms?
The power
The great satisfaction of fufilling my needs.
An emotional high.
They want me to stop, but why?
Who cares about them
It's only me, me and my thoughts
my sick twisted, wonderful thoughts.
If only you could understand.
But who cares about you anyway.

Mon, 07 May 2007 02:31:19 GMT

oh yeah - and OBSESSIVE?!
what the hell?
as far as I know - when you care about someone you show it.
apparently you weren't used to that.

Mon, 07 May 2007 02:22:24 GMT

this past week has been interesting...
well last Saturday/Sunday was the whole gala and over night Sleather thing.
then Monday ended with getting completely drenched in the ymca parking lot - from a water bottle.
Tuesday went and hung out with Alex, Brian, and Danielle to 'work' on our movie for drama - but that didn't work out too well. we were just goofing off the whole time. and played janga. it was fun though. Then Friends Way.
Wednesday - went to this Indian Museum with Jenelle for her Capstone project, then I went to the gym.
Thursday, came home and slept then left home at ten to head to the movies to go see Spider-Man 3 at the midnight showing. I loved the movie, thought it was great.
Friday I went with jenelle to zach's house and we flipped over everything in his room. from chairs, to books, to dvds, to hampers, and we put everything everywhere. there were boxers hanging from the fan. it was amazing. he got home a couple hours after that and was cracking up apparently. it was so worth it. then later that night I babysat my mom's friend's twin daughters. I watched the movie Twitches with them.
Saturday I didn't do much. went to Staples... OH applied for a job at EG Photo, went to BJs...
Today I went to the gym early. then tried going to staples they were closed.went to dunkin donuts. went home took shower. went back to staples picked up a picture i had blown up. then went back home picked up my mom. then she brought me to the director of sleather's house. i was there for a little bit then we all split into little groups a went looking for shooting locations. I went with the director, Anthony and his fiance Keri. we went to Panera bread first and ate, then went to this resturant that closed down to see if we could possibly shoot there. then we went to a house that we shot at before to ask if we could use it again. after i was done with sleather stuff - jenelle came and picked me up and we went and dropped something off at zach's parked car at work. I came back here. changed back into my gym clothes. got to the ymca played some basketball, then went for a walk through the camp. It was so weird because we went to Summer camp there years ago - everything's the same but everything looks smaller and the walks are shorter than I remember. we went to upper pond, and the stage where i first starting acting... and we just talked about everything - I mean everything.

Then later tonight....

$#@!

Tomorrow's going to be better - I can only imagine it as...
&^%$ !!@#$%+|

wow

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 02:42:05 GMT

wow, what a weekend.
Saturday morning went to the YMCA with Jenelle. & people were annoying and kept talking to me.
Saturday night I had to go to a Gala at the Hyatt Hotel in Newport for an organization I go to for people who have lost a loved one - 'Friends Way' (Families Reaching Into Each New Day). I've been going for four and a half years and they have helped me in so many ways. Anyway, the Gala Saturday night was to raise money for the organization. There were 350 people there. Everyone was in beautiful dresses and tuxes. They had a silent auction for people to bid on stuff. I had three pieces of my photography auctioned off. Two of them went for $200! and another for $130! I was shocked! People kept going back to bid higher. I couldn't believe that so many people were willing to pay good money to have a photograph taken by a sixteen year old, it was an incredible feeling.
One of my first facilitators bid $200 on one of my photos when the highest bid was $85. She won it , and I had also mentioned how East Greenwich Photography studio had a gift certificate in the silent auction and she bid on that and won it for me! So I could get new headshots. I am so thankful to her for believing in me. :)
I also put together a PowerPoint presentation of photos of loved ones who have passed away and also some more of my photography and graphics I've made. Everyone loved that too, I was amazed at the amount of compliments I received. It was a great night. There was also a photographer there from East Greenwich Photography and he was talking to one of my facilitators now, looking for me so he could take my picture with two other girls from my group and my facilitator said that I was out checking on how my photos were doing in the auction, she asked him if he saw them and he said he did and that they were very good and asked if I wanted a job!
I didn't find out about this conversation until after the photographer left, but I have his information. I would love to get a job as a photographer, and I'm also going to try to start selling my photos. Now that I know people are willing to pay great money for them.
I got there around 5:30 PM, and left after 11:00 PM.
There was also a Sleather Shoot at Bernies that started at 9:00 PM until 10:00 AM- I wasn't going to go because of the Gala but the director Anthony called me and told me to still go once I got out of the gala. Jenelle was going to come too - but instead we picked her up and she came here and we talked for a little bit then Zach came and picked her up. I got to set around 12:30 AM. I was exhausted. And there really wasn't anything for me to do. They still hadn't even gotten the first shot it by the time I got there. The good thing about doing an overnight shoot in Bernies is that there a tons and tons of really comfortable Serta beds. And nice recliner chairs. I slept on the most amazing bed ever. And then I heard I was sleeping in awkward positions in a recliner. I had fun even though I didn't do much for the movie - I mean honestly how many people do you know that stay over night in a store and sleep on mattresses and not get yelled at for it. I didn't get home until 10 AM. Then I didn't crash until 1PM - then woke up around 8 PM. Now I think I'm going to head back to sleep.

These are my three photos that we auctioned off:

me, with two other girls from my group:

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 02:49:55 GMT

can we just pretend the month of april never happened?

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 01:45:58 GMT

this is killing me.

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 20:17:11 GMT

i really thinks he hates me.
and i have no idea what to do.
this hurts so much.
:'(

horoscope

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 15:47:49 GMT

So on CosmoGIRL.com they have horoscopes and they are usually ALWAYS right.
And yesterday's and today's couldn't be more true to my life.

cancer
Thursday, April 5th 2007
April 5, 2007
daily horoscope

You are going through some big emotional business right now and will almost certainly feel the need to slow down so you can process it all. You should get all the time you need.

cancer
Friday, April 6
daily horoscope

Try to take things slowly today, as you are going to want to think things through all the way before signing on for sure. By late afternoon you should feel a lot more certain about your place in the world.

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 13:50:57 GMT

I wish it could be like before.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 20:51:18 GMT

I'm at a low point. I haven't been this low in a long time.
I'm depressed. This has been the worst week I've had in a while. First off - the tragedy of Andrew Coit's death has had a huge impact on me. Like I said I never really hung out with him or anything - but he was still my friend. & there definitely was something completely unique about him. I've always said that. None of my best friends knew him so this whole things been hard on me to cope with. Last night was the wake. That was terrible. It didn't look like him at all so it's still hard for me to believe what happened. Today was the funeral - it was very nice - I loved the speeches everyone gave and the music. My favorite thing though was how they had a video that he started to make. something to always remember him by. He's such a goof! :)
I say that I'm depressed because I've been depressed for the past five years since my dad passed away. And this brings back all of the terrible memories.

I've been mistreating my friends and having random breakdowns and I'm truly sorry for that. I'm sorry to put you through that.

On wednesday I got into a car accident by rear ending this woman. It wasn't that bad - I just bumped her. I thought I was completely stopped - I looked out the window and just rolled right into her. I had to call the cops :/ Then later that day I bought my prom dress. Then went to get a spray tan and it got all messed up and streaky on my arms and it was very orange! so Al called me a creamsicle :/

Then the next day everyone noticed. aha. so that sucked also - I have to wear long sleeves until it goes away.

Yesterday jenelle and I were heading here and I was showing her where I had gotten into that accident. I said "this is where it happened, there were a lot of people stopped - just like this , and I was going this slow... then I just hit the car in front of me..." As I said this I was visualizing the car infront of us hitting the car in front of it. At that split second IT DID. It ended up being a three car crash. O-> O-> O
That was pretty creepy.

Last night Al and I went to the providence place mall to meet Jenelle and Zach - Once we got there I felt like I couldn't do anything I wanted to do. I felt really upset. And I just walked away from them a few times. I can't even begin to describe how I was feeling inside. Just upset.

And now I feel like someone's avoiding me.
and it's bugging the hell out of me.
I could say so much more but I'm a mess and I'll end up hurting more people than I need to.

Hurt.

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 00:37:51 GMT

It hurts. Life. Hurts. Although I think it's the good kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that reminds us we're alive. And the kind of hurt that can only come from passion and caring. No one really understands the way life works. Or the way the world works. It can be cruel and mysterious and yet it’s the greatest thing we’ll ever experience. To help me understand - I try to believe that everything happens for a reason. We don't always know at the time what that reason is - but as time goes on the picture becomes clearer.
Sometimes it doesn't matter how many friends you have - you just feel alone in the world. Everyone feels alone at one point or another.

We will never understand how someone with such potential as Andrew Coit had his life taken so soon. He had everything going for him. It may not have always been this way – but he took control and changed his life for the better. He found the joy and excitement in the little things – this is something we should all take from Andrew – although his time with us was limited we have gained great strength from his passion for everything.

When I first met Andrew I knew there was something special about him. I could never really figure out quite what it was. He had great talent with an equal amount of passion for acting and his music. But still there was something about him. Today, I think I’ve discovered what was so special. Andrew Coit was a Living Angel.

Andrew Coit didn’t care who you were.
Or what others thought of you.
He treated everyone equally.

Andrew Coit had a way of making everyone around him smile.
He just had this random goofiness about him
But when it was time to be serious he was.

I didn’t get the chance to know him that well – but for the memories I do have – I am thankful.

All day today I’ve been hearing stories about little things he’s done for other people. And that’s Andrew – That’s what he does.

That’s what he was doing - Paying tribute to his friend. He was doing the right thing and helping others. And he gets his life stolen for that.

Perhaps it was his time to go.
It’s not fair that he will never be able to see his son grow up.
But – now that he’s passed there will always be a part of him in the world. And certainly anyone who knew him will make sure he’s not forgotten.

I'm happy to see that the photos I've taken of Andrew are being put to good use in the news, newspaper, t shirts, posters around the school; I even saw one on the Americas Most Wanted website. If I never got mono - I would have never taken any of those pictures. Again - this is why I believe everything happens for a reason.

I miss my dad everyday and its times like these that make it a lot harder. But my life could be a whole lot worse. And I'm going to live my life in memory of My Dad and Also in memory of Andrew.

Here's a link to all of the pictures I've taken of Footloose and The Passage

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 04:15:03 GMT

i'm getting sick again.
:/
but oh well I guess
I can't really be missing anymore school.
today was mine and Al's one month :)
and I also got my actual license in the mail today.
been coughing non stop.
sucks.
but now i don't have to take the bus anymore
(at least in the morning)
because jenelle just got her license and she has
a car... unlike me.

hopefully I'll get one soon.

i have an audition in boston on friday that I'm pretty nervous about
i just don't want to lose my voice before then.

I have to do my gimungous spanish midterm tomorrow.
so i have to get going.